Anger Management in Minneapolis

In April 2000, Brad’s life was in upheaval; he was unemployed and his father had recently died. Then the neck pain started. After he got an MRI, Brad waited anxiously for the results. Days later, when a person from the clinic explained that they still weren’t available, Brad exploded. “Maybe it’s time for a little Columbine action around here!” he screamed into the phone.

Later, when the clinic called to follow-up, Brad got angry again. “We won’t press charges if you get anger management,” said the staff. When Brad told his wife about the outbursts, she encouraged him to seek help.

Steve’s road to anger management was longer. “My first marriage was a fiasco,” he admits. Once in a “blind rage” Steve broke his wife’s nose. His second marriage was verbally abusive, too, and it culminated in 2002 when, mired in a toxic job, he took his anger from work out on his psychologist spouse. She gave him an ultimatum: get anger management or get out.

Brad and Steve took anger management classes at the Twin Cities Men’s Center (TCMC) in Minneapolis’ Uptown neighborhood. Today, they’re both instructors.

Twin Cities’ men launched the 501(c)(3) in 1976, in response to the Men’s Liberation Movement. Although less known than its female counterpart, the men’s movement, which began around 1973, was inspired by the same desire to acknowledge oppression, rethink gender roles, and create a political platform. Many of the projects conceived at TCMC morphed into Twin Cities’ organizations; the Minnesota AIDS Project, Father’s Resource Center, and Domestic Abuse Project were born here.

TCMC’s anger management class began in 1995 and is titled “Men Helping Men with Anger.” Each course meets for two hours per week for 12 weeks and is facilitated by two instructors.

John Hesch, TCMC’s Anger Management Coordinator, estimates that 25 to 50 percent of his students are on probation and were court-ordered to take the course. For this subset, “Men Helping Men” is a requisite to retaining visitation rights and avoiding jail time. Others have come at the prompting of a family member of friend. Despite their reasons for being there, Hesch observes that most men ultimately adopt an, “If I’m here, I might as well get something out of it” attitude.

Like Brad and Steve, Hesch’s foray into anger management came as a student. He traces his anger issues to a “raging father,” but he was in mid-forties before he took the course. One impetus was his then 13-year-old son. The boy was three years away from driving, and Hesch didn’t want to teach his own son that his father’s road rage was acceptable. In retrospect, however, Hesch’s reasons were broader. He remembers asking himself, “What is going to be my legacy as a father?” and “What kind of world do I want to live in?” A family is “a heck of a responsibility,” Hesch said, “and the irony is that it can be more difficult to get a driver’s license than to get married and have kids.”

David Decker, one of Minnesota’s foremost domestic violence experts, places anger on a continuum that starts as an emotion, progresses to an attitude, and culminates in a behavior. Not all attitudes and behaviors are negative. “It’s what you do with anger that matters,” Steve said. Hesch concurs, calling anger a “survival mechanism” that helps people react to danger and emergencies. Ironically, anger is also a response to social injustice, and it’s led to revolutions that have ushered in positive change.

But anger attitudes and behaviors can also turn destructive. Decker describes these destructive manifestations — like blaming, lecturing, name calling, and physical aggression — as distortions of the emotion.

So what causes it?

To some extent, anger is a learned behavior, Decker said. And many times, the underbelly of that learned behavior is shame and self-doubt that stems from growing up in an environment where it was not acceptable to express one’s emotions. With that in mind, Decker encourages parents to talk about their own feelings, encourage children to talk about their feelings, pick their battles, and avoid name calling and physical discipline.

There’s also a genetic component. Steve, for instance, can’t pinpoint anyone he learned his behavior from. He describes his father as a “respectful” man who rarely cursed. “I’m from New York City, I’m Jewish, and I’m short,” Steve said, with a laugh. “I became my own creature.”

Despite the reasons, the experts stress that there is no “excuse” for destructive anger. Ultimately, anger is a choice. And the good news is that people can make the choice to change at any time. “Age is obsolete as far as the success of an anger management class,” Decker said.

A person often directs his or her anger at a partner, child, or spouse. It seems paradoxical to hurt the people who love you most, but the phenomenon is so prevalent that the CDC has coined it “intimate partner violence.” One reason, explained Decker, is that people feel “safe” showing anger at home because there are fewer repercussions for doing so, at least in the short-term. “If you’re angry at work you might get fired, if you’re angry on the streets someone might call the police, if you’re angry toward your friends you’ll have no friends,” Decker said. But our nearest and dearest are usually more forgiving.

What Do You Learn?

Above all, a person in anger management class learns that their behavior is their responsibility, Hesch said, calling this the “first rule” of anger management. In the program, people also begin to notice their personal triggers, and they learn “de-escalation” tactics that help them respond to anger appropriately — like exercise, calling a friend, “respective” versus “defensive” listening, adequate sleep, proper nutrition, and “taking a time out.”

Students also explore their deep-rooted experiences and beliefs. “[Before anger management] I had the core belief that I was a victim,” Hesch said. A weekly point of contention for Hesch and his wife was what time they should leave for church. Even when they arrived after the service started, Hesch’s wife insisted on finding a seat near the front, a move that Hesch dreaded. He realized that he needed to start talking about the issue. He explained to his wife that she could dictate what time they left, but that if they arrived late, he wanted to sit in the back row. “Above all, I needed to let go of some control,” he said. “She’s an adult. You can’t control another adult.”

In addition to the core belief that they are victims, some people with anger management issues are prone to perfectionism. Others have the tendency to compare themselves to others, a propensity which may lead to feelings of contempt, or conversely, self-hate and low self-esteem.

“Ultimately, what we’re teaching is life management,” Hesch explained. He stands behind the TCMC curriculum and has seen it save clients’ marriages. Others have gone on to get “respectful divorces.”

Male Connection

Steve attributes the success of “Men Helping Men” to the nonjudgmental environment. It’s here that men feel comfortable opening up, and they often develop friendships that last beyond the class.

To foster that cohesion, each cohort stays together for the 12-week course. The men receive a phone roster so they can communicate between classes. And the facilitators set a ground rule: everything that is said about — or to — another person should be respectful. “If you tolerate disrespect in class, you’ll tolerate it in life,” Steve said, to the rationale.

Each class begins with the men discussing how their week went. They then move to the formal curriculum, which is laced with personal stories. The stories not only teach, they inspire. “You learn all these things that are tremendously helpful. But you also learn that you’re not a freak. And you start to actually care about the other guys in the room,” Steve explained.

Sometimes, men are surprised when they form connections to men that they initially disliked. Steve, for instance, remembers a man who had travelled to Minnesota to live near his ex-girlfriend. Essentially, he was stalking her. Even though the behavior was wrong, “we wound up caring about the guy,” Steve recalls. By the end of the course, the man admitted that his actions were unacceptable and made plans to leave Minnesota.

Once, after graduation, Steve invited his students to dinner at a pizza parlor. Everyone showed up, including a guy who had been “extra angry.” It was a testament, Steve said, to the power of male connection.

The Future

In the years that he’s been teaching, Steve has noticed changes in society. There’s less stigma attached to anger management. When he started teaching, Steve said people were embarrassed to talk to him about his work. Now he receives congratulations, and inquiries about how to join the class. “I’m seeing more guys who truly want to be there,” he said. He’s also had people tell him that anger management classes need to happen earlier. “Guys have told me ‘Why didn’t we take this class in elementary and middle school?’” Steve said.

Despite these changes, a gap remains. Currently, there are no anger management classes in the Twin Cities for women. “This is a big area of need,” Hesch said. The other instructors concur. Luckily, creating a “Women Helping Women with Anger,” or even a co-ed course, wouldn’t mean reinventing the wheel. “Everything in our curriculum is applicable to women as well; nothing we teach is gender specific,” Brad said.

More Information

• The fee for taking the “Men Helping Men with Anger” is $250
• For information about the course, or to register, call 612-229-3102
• If you’ve completed “Men Helping Men with Anger” and need follow-up or support, you can retake the class for $60

*The names of two instructors have been changed to protect their privacy